GREAT GOOGLY MOOGLY!
If you recall (or if you don’t), back in October yer old pal i am whaleman was ranting and raving about a Letter to the Editor regarding women on submarines (you can find it here if you like–or if you don’t like…that’s still where you can find it). But the gist was that women should be on submarines because men can’t possibly be expected to control themselves in close quarters with women, lives and careers would be ruined, the terrorists would win. Oh, and the children.
So today I crack the Opinions section, and guess what! Another letter to the editor from a former Naval sub guy who doesn’t think women should be allowed on submarines! What the hell, AZ Republic? I mean, I know your editors are clearly imbeciles (especially the one who wrote about how bicyclists should find someplace to ride other than the bike paths because she wants to walk on the bike path with her headphones in and she can’t possibly be expected to keep the volume low enough so that she can hear people on bikes coming up behind her. She really said that. She was so scared. Also, the children), but this is pretty lazy, I think. But hey–more stuff for i am whaleman to make fun of, right?
So basically, Capt. Joe OldMan thinks it’s a terrible, terrible tragedy that the Navy has caved to the demands of advocacy groups and is going to allow women on submarines. He makes two points, which I’ll address in reverse order because the first one is funnier (go for the big finish, i am whaleman always says):
Secondly, putting men and women together in very confined quarters for long periods of time submerged (up to two-plus months) is simply asking for trouble, both aboard the submarine and potentially on the home front.
Ok, so this was basically the same argument as Captain PoopyPants from back in October…women are wanton seductresses and men have to do what men have to do, which in this case means have sex with fellow seafolk. Got that one covered. But here’s argument number one:
First, submarines are extremely cramped; space is at a premium and every inch is used for needed equipment, weapons, sensors and supplies. To accommodate women, costly design modifications would be required and take space needed for higher priority items.
What in the holy hell does that mean? I guess the Cap is either talking about, you know, all that “girl stuff” that girls can’t possible go anywhere without, like all their suitcases which will be full of clothes and shoes because you know women can’t pack lightly, amirite, fellas? Plus they’re gonna have to put like eight more bathrooms on every sub because you know that women just take forever in there and they’re always doing their makeup and stuff and using all those “feminine napkins” and stuff like that but seriously why in the hell do they take so long in the bathroom it only takes me like 30 seconds once a fortnight! But if it’s not that, he’s talking about all the extra storage space they’re gonna need for all those breasts. Those giant, sweaty, heaving breasts. Take out the sonar, boys! Make room for Ds! Or maybe…Damn the torpedoes! Full Ds Ahead! Yeah, that’s the one.